-This is the brief story of the transformation that happened to me.  Understand, transformation means to be changed from one form  to another. It is my experience that what most people do is more akin to translation. When you translate a word or phrase into another language it sounds extremely different, but means exactly the same thing. This is how it is for humans and their being.  If you examine them over their lives they often claim to have changed, but they simply say different things but do as they have always done, staying with in the framework they have had since they were imprinted as young children.

-For example I lived one central theme.  I felt unloved and unwanted.  I was convinced of this as a child. Whatever I wanted was secondary to what others wanted for me. As I aged I developed various ways of adapting within this basic assumption. I became very dark and sullen. I sneered at others who wanted attention.  I kept a stiff upper lip. I dulled myself to the emptiness and called it maturing and becoming an adult. I took various drugs that induced altered states that were a lot more fun. I studied religion and learned things few of my compatriots knew, not to be a priest and guide them, but to be able to laugh at their ignorance. This is how a traumatized personality acts, needing to feel superior to others and to be on guard against any threat to oneself, especially threats that do not exist. To balance the basic feeling of worthlessness I had to be better than others, and prove it. I learned to play classical guitar beautifully, not to add beauty but to be superior.  I learned volleyball not to have fun but to destroy the enemy. If anyone was better I either disparaged their personal life or felt humiliated. This went on for 40 years. At that age I felt I had it together. My anger was in check. I was civil and generally sociable with others. Yet every where I walked, everyone found me a chore to deal with. To paraphrase a friend of mine "you were a lot of fun, for an ass  This all came down to feeling unloved and unwanted. I was like a fish swimming around in a tank filled with those feelings, thinking that by getting on the other side of the tank, something had changed. Your story may be different. Maybe everyone loved you and you were happy the entire time, but you have a basic tank of water you are swimming in, one that will die, and will not let you see into eternity.

-After years of self analysis, hallucinogen's, prayer, living in the streets, reading and comprehension, evaluating, wild abandonment, workshops and intense emotional release I was exactly as I had always been, close hearted and feeling unloved, though with a more sophisticated version.  I had tried to bury it and act like it was not there, but that pile of dung stank up everything I did.  I had done everything except one thing.  I had never returned to the scene of the crime, relived it, and truly let go of it.  

-I finally reached a point where I simply became sick of being this way. During a year of intense focus working through this essential feeling, something happened to me. During meditation one evening I was struck by some kind of "force." The only description I have is like being hit by lightning, but it came from within. It was very searing and painful, such that I was bed ridden for a week with a pained bruised neck. However, to my astonishment, I was no longer angry. The endless internal dialogue of self hatred and vilification of others toned down considerably and I was suddenly aware of a deep part of me that was totally calm. Very calm. And as the months have passed this deeper part has surfaced, and mean vindictive me has become a compassionate, caring, peaceful soul, with an energy coursing through me that I cannot even describe but that is very alive. I was awakened from the dead. My life as I knew it died, and I became again. Through I am aware of my past, it is as if it happened to another being. This new one, is the real being.

--So as you read these writings, the subject here is transformation, not translating understandings and awareness into other explanation that fit the old.

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